My Struggle with Postpartum Depression

I debated if I should share this or not. I went back and forth for two whole months trying to decide if I should or if I shouldn't. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share my mental health issue with others. It made me feel incredibly vulnerable and weak to be honest. After much careful consideration and thought, I thought why not? What's the worst that could happen? Plenty of mothers experience postpartum depression and go through it so why not write something that others could relate to or may help someone else out in the end?

I didn't even realize I had postpartum depression until a few days after my daughter's first birthday. With my two boys I just had the baby blues and that was it. For months after my daughter was born I had been feeling off and I mean off. Something was not right with me. I was irritable all the time and had these constant mood swings. I just thought that it was due to my two older sons not listening and let's be honest, being little shits in the attitude department. They know how to hit a nerve when it comes to acting out and not listening.

The littlest things would trigger me. I remember one morning when my youngest son accidentally spilled his milk all over the kitchen table. Instead of handing him a hand towel and telling him to clean it up the mess, I lost it. I started screaming at him and was so mad that I threw his cup against the wall. He cried and ran to his room leaving me in an angry state to clean up the spilt milk. I was fuming with pure rage more mad at my actions than the spilt milk that was dripping off the wall and onto the carpet. I was acting like a grownup toddler and honestly it was a damn shame.

And don't get me started on dirty dishes in the sink. After a long day of work and sitting in traffic for almost an hour the last thing I wanted to do was wash dishes. If I laid eyes on a single dish in the sink I could feel my blood start to boil. It seriously ticked me off and I would snap at my poor husband. On occasion he would get a real nasty text message from me about how I was not his maid and that I was going to start charging him fees for being a slob. 

Other things would set me off too. Clutter. Messy rooms. Piles of laundry. My husband sitting on his ass and watching football all day long. The boys bickering and picking on each other. My oldest son back talking me. My husband not replying to a text message or answering the phone when I called. Stupid petty things like this would send me into the foulest of moods. Anything and everything upset me to the point that my entire day was ruined and I had the worst attitude.

I knew that my behavior was not normal for me. I did not feel right. I shouldn't be getting so upset by petty things like spilt milk or dishes being left in the sink but I would get so angry. I had never felt so much anger or even aggression like that before. It got to the point that I started to Google my symptoms one night when I read a bible verse on Jane and started crying hysterically for no reason while everyone else was in bed asleep.  

I felt like I had reached my lowest.

I was always so angry with my boys and it got to the point where I dreaded being around them and was starting to resent them. The thought now makes me cringe with disgust and leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Honestly it hurts my soul to think about. I love my kids with all my heart and cannot believe I ever felt that way about them. I picked up my phone and called the advice nurse and set-up my appointment that night.

I feel like the Lord was speaking to me that late night in October, that He was urging me to seek out help for my own sanity. He truly works in mysterious ways and all it took was for me to read a verse from a printable on a website I look at every day. 

I have faith that the Lord will strengthen me and that He will make me healthy again. When I am having a bad day or am feeling those unwanted feelings slowly starting to creep up on me I pray. When I start to feel anxious or get a panic attack for no apparent reason I pray. I ask for peace. I ask for comfort. I ask God to take all the bad feelings away and to just help me to feel like me again. It helps and I feel loads better after having a conversation with God.

If you are or ever find yourself struggling with depression don't be afraid to seek out help. Know that you are not alone and that you will get through it. I know that I will get through this too. I will kick my postpartum depression in the ass and I will be back to myself in no time. For now I leave you with the verse that brought me to tears and was my eye opener: 

Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

- Isaiah 41:10

 

Thanks for stopping bye and listening to my struggle. God bless.